Top 10 questions about Santa you’re afraid your kid will ask

1. How does Santa get all those gifts all over the world in one night? I don’t believe the toys use little umbrellas to fly down, like on “Rudolph.” 

You know, it, um, happens. Like … magic. Yeah, magic. And aren’t you glad it does all work out?

You like getting the toys, right? I wouldn’t want anything to … happen … to slow Santa down, or impede him in his … mission. It would be a shame if you got in his way with these questions.

Do we have an understanding here?

2. Why does he look different sometimes? Why was he wearing a fake beard when I last saw him?

Aren’t you one with the questions? They’re helpers. Yeah, like minions. No, they’re not yellow. No, they’re not evil. They help him. Because, you know, he can’t be everywhere at once. Oh, he can? My bad.

3. Why does he have black eyebrows sometimes?

I guess he needs to pluck. (It’s not polite to point that out, you know.)

4. Why was he wearing a fake beard?

Maybe he’s going bald. On his face. Now that’s a question for his endocrinologist. Are you ready to talk to his endocrinologist, buddy? No? I’d stop with the questions then.

5. How does he get into my apartment?

Very skillfully. He, um, has a magical … key …

6. Why don’t the reindeer fall off the roof?

Because they’ve got hooves and shit. Why don’t you fall off the earth, kiddo? Eh? Now that’s a question.

7. How do the elves make Ninjago Legos?

They make them with wood and … hammers. And then they become a cardboard box with complicated plastic Legos through, uh, transubstantiation or something. Yeah, it’s a big word. I’ll explain it when you’re older. Hey, look at the pretty lights!

8. Is he going to set off the house alarm? Isn’t that breaking and entering?

Only if you want to file a police complaint. Are you going to file a police complaint?

9. Why is he at Macy’s? We just saw him in the window at Nordstrom.

Man, but he’s quick! Are those candy canes he’s giving out? Let’s go eat candy!

10. How does he eat cookies at everyone in the world’s house? Isn’t that a lot?

Yes, it is. Maybe he puts them in a bag and saves them.

But that’s not what the stories say.

Yeah, don’t believe everything you read, kid.

Comments: What do you think?

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